Rooney reminds Everton fans of brevity of youth

The grizzled veteran striker moving back to Goodison Park hasprovoked feelings of pensive melancholia among fans who remember himas a teenage prodigy, albeit one who looked about 50.Season ticket holder Tom Clark said: “When Rooney left in 2004, the worldwas a very different place. I was about to go to university, I was in a band,and I still thought Claire from college was my soulmate, possibly becauseshe wore a padded bra and had low standards.“Now I work at an accountancy firm in Luton, Claire hasn’t spoken to mesince 2005,and I haven’t picked up my guitar in years except to considerselling it. Makes you think.“I suppose great things were expected of both of us, and yet we both fellshort. We are brothers, in a way, me and the multimillionaire athlete whoscored more goals for England than any player in history. Two peas in apod.”Fellow Everton fan Mike Soutter said: “He left in the spring of his youth andreturns in the autumn of his dotage, his scars a visible reminder of thepassage of time that condemns us all to wither and fade.“I was a young and virile man 13 years ago, but look at me now,stooping into middle age with bad posture and halitosis.“I’ve lost all my hair, and unlike certain other people, I can’t just pay adoctor thousands of pounds to make me some new hair.“It all seems like yesterday, and yet also a lifetime ago. When I see Rooneyrunning out in ablue shirt next season, will I be struck with the Proustian recollection of asimpler, purer time? Or will I just call him a traitorous wanker who shouldf***off back to Manchester?“I suppose that as with so many things, only time will tell.”Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, clearly.More funny stuff•New features you’d love