PERHAPS the most heartening news of a grim Friday night in Malta was a sighting of Gareth Southgate emerging from England’s dressing room with a face like thunder.
As soon as England’s manager started giving his post-match interviews he had reverted to speaking Burtonese — the impenetrable gibberish they seem to program them with at the FA’s National Football Centre, St George’s Park.
You really could have been forgiven for thinking you’d been watching a different game when Southgate painted the 85 minutes of hard labour which preceded England’s second goal as some sort of triumph.
‘A professional job . . . courage in sticking to the gameplan . . . came through it well’.
Really? Jesus wept.
Compare Southgate’s jargon to the blunt assessment of England’s travelling fans – ‘we’re f*****g s**t’ – and there was no mistaking which was the more honest verdict of the least impressive 4-0 away win you will ever see.
At least those in the tunnel were convinced it was all an act; that Southgate looked as though he had been launching verbal Molotovs in the dressing-room walls and hadn’t truly lost his mind in believing his team’s performance had been acceptable.
If Southgate had experienced any sort of honeymoon period as England boss, then it has certainly been brought to a juddering halt over the last three matches.
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First Harry Kane’s late equaliser averted catastrophe against Scotland at Hampden Park, then England were outclassed by a ten-man France in a friendly.
And, to start this World Cup season, the thoroughly dispiriting sight of England taking 53 minutes to break the deadlock against a team ranked lower by Fifa than Bangladesh.
Tomorrow night against Slovakia will be a very different game and perhaps Southgate will take heart from the fact his England side have often played better against quality opposition — in friendlies against Spain and Germany. Even though they won neither.
In Marek Hamsik, the Slovaks boast the captain of Napoli and they defended stubbornly to shut out England for 90 minutes in the group opener in Trnava.
Then Adam Lallana’s stoppage-time winner gave Sam Allardyce his 100 per cent record as England boss.
Tomorrow’s Wembley clash ought to be a proper game, with the Slovaks, welcoming back former Liverpool defender Martin Skrtel, just two points behind England and their only contenders to top Group F.
Presumably they may even be willing to commit numbers into attack and go for the win which would see them replace Southgate’s side at the top.
England need to win to all but mathematically qualify for the finals in Russia and it would be highly preferable if they managed it with some sort of flourish. If they do not, then people will quickly start tiring of Southgate’s relentlessly positive flannel.
He is a bright man; far too bright to sound like just another one of the sharp-suited Daleks manufactured by FA technical director Dan Ashworth at his Burton jargon factory.
England’s manager has the correct instincts. While Allardyce said Wayne Rooney could play wherever he likes for his country, Southgate swiftly froze out his insatiably thirsty skipper.
The Three Lions boss has won dressing-room plaudits for selecting his team on form rather than reputation — leaving out Rooney, Jack Wilshere and Theo Walcott. Yet when Rooney retired from international football last week, he was too willing to go along with all the PR nonsense which suggested he’s been on bended knee wanting the Everton man back. He had not.
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And Southgate’s insistence on sticking with Joe Hart could come back to bite him, given the Slovaks will ask the West Ham loanee to make a meaningful save or two.
Hart is not the only England man who suffers from fragile confidence.
Last summer’s collective brain freeze against Iceland suggested a group of players unable to cope mentally with the pressures of playing for their country.
This was Southgate’s inheritance and so perhaps we should forgive him for flannelling us that Friday night had been all right.
But England’s central midfield creativity is non-existent. Their wide players Raheem Sterling and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain are £90million worth of hot air and hype; Dele Alli is not looking a fraction of the player he does at Tottenham and the defence will always look vulnerable against true quality.
Kane, who has netted five goals in these last three wretched team display, is carrying this team.
Without him, they might not even be going to Russia next summer.
Even with him, it is difficult to imagine any sort of genuine joy.
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